What is this insane show we’re watching, you guys? This three-hour episode was so bonkers that I wouldn’t have been surprised if my cat started talking to me in English at the end of it. Anything can happen!

David & Lana

David is a fucking stalker and he makes me SO MAD. He STALKED LANA. TLC paid him to do it! What the actual fuck? Like, this is legit criminal behavior. SHE DOES NOT WANT HIM TO FIND HER! Oh my god. Sorry I am saying “fuck” so much, you guys, but this show has unleashed the fury of a thousand fucks within my heart.

The episode opens with David knocking on a random Ukrainian’s bright green apartment door. It’s not opened by Lana, but by an amused looking man who says that, “No one like that lives here.” Clearly, he means, “There are no hot babes in this building.” After this interaction, David seems to accept defeat as he goes back to his hotel room. Hopefully, his tale of deceit and woe has come to an end. Lana deserting him for a third time and giving him a fake address should be enough evidence to shatter his delusion that a hot babe in the Ukraine is a woman who actually cares about him, as opposed to a troll who has fleeced him out of six figures over seven years. Also, this man is a criminal.

Babygirl Lisa

So Mommy, as Lisa calls her, sort of gives her blessing but not really. Her exact words are, “I’ve come to accept it.” And that, my friends, is not consent. That is laying back as you are getting fucked, giving up the fight, and saying, “Just get it over with.”

We find out later that Soujaboy also thinks he is going to be the head of the household when he gets to the States, which is just astounding. Clearly, he’s never met a chain-smoking redneck woman from Pennsylvania before. Strong opinions.

Erika & Steph

Please get Stephanie a Xanax because she’s afraid of literally everything. Not that I’d be easy breezy swimming with sharks, but idk, I just keep my fears internalized more. And that’s why I’m constipated.

When they’re throwing boomerangs, Steph calls Erika her “special friend” to an old guy, which is both hilarious and sad. I get why she did it. Not because she wanted to hide Erika, but because she didn’t want to get into the whole story of their relationship with an elderly, Aboriginal man whose politics are probably questionable. I GET IT. One time, I took a shooting lesson on a ranch from a man named Arizona Bill. Great teacher, wonderful experience, but definitely not someone I’d ever talk politics with.

Finally, later in the episode, they share a kiss and it’s actually quite sweet! I think Steph has a lot of neuroses we’re trying to get under control and we all need to be patient and have compassion for her. I really do think that this relationship can work if they just give it time and stop putting pressure on themselves for it to be perfect. I’ve never told you all this before, but I’ve been with my husband for ten years, so, um, I know how to ride a wave.

Yolanda & Williams

This is painful. TLC, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE OLD PEOPLE GETTING CATFISHED! Is not entertaining. It’s just sad!

In comedy, your jokes should always punch up and never punch down. It’s cringeworthy when someone makes fun of a homeless person. But it’s hilarious to laugh at a yacht captain... I feel like 90 Day Fiance works best when the American who’s getting scammed is somewhat unlikeable. David’s a creepy stalker so we don’t care that Lana doesn’t show up. Big Ed is basically a sex tourist, so we don’t mind that Rose just wants a better life in America. That sort of thing. But Yolanda. She’s a good person with a kind heart who just lost her husband. I don’t ever want to see anything bad happen to her. TLC, don’t punch down!

Darzy and Tom

First of all, Darzy doesn’t owe Tom anything. I don’t feel bad for him for his two-hour quest to Connecticut to give her a handwritten letter that she doesn’t read. I truly don’t. But also, I know this storyline is completely fake so whatever. I don’t think Darzy is crazy and I don't think Tom is rational. I think Darzy is just big, loud, and from New Jersey.

That said, we do need to talk about her lewk. It’s a lot. Like, who wears heels and a low-cut shirt around the house for funsies? I’m currently wearing men's boxer briefs and a long sleeved t-shirt I bought on BulkApparel.net. Darzy and I have very different fashion senses.

Big Ed & Rose

He may be little, but his overconfidence is massive.

This whole dynamic is so fucking cringe. WE GET IT, ED: YOU DON’T WANT TO MARRY HER. Stop inventing reasons. Her bad breath, her STD test, her hairy legs, the fact that she wants more kids... Just don’t propose to her. Like, we have never even seen them be truly affectionate toward one another in a way that wasn’t interwoven with Ed’s white saviordom. He’s just there on a fuck spree and wants to have sex with a young Phillipino girl. Stop pretending it’s deeper than that.

I cannot STAND the scene where Ed gives Rose a child’s toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash. So fucking rude and presumptuous. He CLEARLY feels superior to her, which is reinforced when he gives her a bathing suit and then explains how to wear it. She knows how to put on a bra, you idiot. She’s not your adolescent daughter.

Also, where the FUCK does Ed get his sense of superiorty from? He is a mediocre (at best) white man with waaaaay too much confidence. Ed and I are the same height and, yet, his self-confidence towers over me. Imagine the luxury of being a white man?

Ash & Avery

I’ve saved the best for last, motherfuckers! Okay, so what the HELL is this? Ash is a Men’s Rights Activist. I can’t say I am surprised, given that psychotic look in his eyes, but I thought Avery was smarter than that.

So, yes. Ash’s seminar. It provides us with one of the most cringeworthy episodes in 90 Day history. If you haven’t seen it, Ash basically goes to a hotel conference room and gives a misogynistic lecture to about ten skeptical women who were probably paid to be there. He’s uncomfortable, we’re uncomfortable, it’s bad. BAD. Like, the kind of shit my dad and elderly German grandfather used to say. And my dad used to tell me that women have smaller brains so men were smarter.

My friends over at 90 Day Cray Cray have done the Lord’s work of scouring the web for evidence on Ash and uncovered that much of his nervous lecture was stolen directly from an ‘80s standup set by a guy named Greg Grunberg. Wow. Just wow. Ash is a scammer. He’s definitely not a relationship coach because no one’s paying for that advice, hunni!

And the thing that makes his lecture such wonderful television is that it CONTINUES throughout the whole episode. This isn’t just a mere segment of awkwardness. It’s the ENTIRE EPISODE. No one likes him or buys into it! He gets nervous and has to take a break! This is a man who a.) isn’t used to speaking in front of groups of people, b.) has no insightful, science-based thoughts, and c.) SUCKS REAL BAD. I am so happy that he bombed this seminar. This is the content I need during cornteen. Now, hopefully, Avery will dump his MRA-loving ass.

All right, you guys, that’s it for me. I have to go make some bread or some shit.

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