Hello, fiancé fans. The world has completely imploded since we last spoke, but at least we still have 90 Day Fiancé. Thank god we get to watch Big Ed take a bucket shower with chickens on national television. This is the kind of content we need during difficult times. Dare I say? We DEMAND it!

And you know I never like telling people what to do with their lives, but if you aren’t on TikTok yet, then I suspect your quarantine is pretty grim. I beg you. Please get on it. The app is nothing but joy.

Lisa and Usman
Okay, so we’re in Nigeria where Baby Girl Lisa is sleeping on a double box spring and hating it. Their story arc in this episode revolves around Lisa going to meet Usman’s mom in their village. Before we dive too deep, I’ll just say it. Why is no one talking about the fact that Sojaboy stole his stage name from the popular American hip-hop artist, Soulja Boy. We’re just ignoring that and pretending it’s not a thing? I mean, there’s already a Soulja Boy and he’s very famous for Supermanning that hoe.

Lisa and Usman visit a goat market to get a present for Usman’s mom. (Did Angela and Michael go to a goat market or am I nuts? I vaguely remember seeing a loud white lady trample through some goats on 90 Day Fiancé already.)

Every part of this storyline is so incredibly WTF. The goat place is gross and I’m appalled by the filthy water the animals consume. It looks like sewage sludge. I realize I say that from a place of privilege because I can feed my animals relatively clean water every day (who knows what’s coming from California’s tap), but seriously these goats are drinking slop!

They get a got for $115 and throw it in the back of an Uber and go on their merry way. Babygirl Lisa names Babyboy Goat Barney for some reason. This poor goat.

Then, Lisa dons a traditional Hausa dress and we find out that this is the first woman Usman has ever brought home to his family. Imagine? Put yourself in his mother’s shoes. I literally can’t.

Finally, we meet Mother Usman and his sisters. Thank goodness there’s a language barrier because they HATE Babygirl Lisa. Mother Usman asks what she does for work and Lisa says she’s a hospice caregiver. Usman interprets that as a doctor. Then Mother Usman says, “God is great.” This is too much, ya’ll! Just look at her! I don’t think any doctor, aside from Donald Trump’s personal physician Lanny Davis, has such a slovenly and unkempt appearance. Those guys take care of themselves! They go running.

Usman tells his mom and sisters that he and Lisa want to get married and go to America. They laugh in his face and walk away. Women are not always the nicest! But what about the goat? DOES BARNEY MEAN NOTHING TO YOU? Then, Mother Usman hits the nail on the head and says she doesn’t want him to go to America because whites don’t like the blacks here. Pretty much! Our culture is trash!

Varya and Geoffrey
So, this idiot goes to Varya’s mother’s house in Siberia. Please know that the huge tribal tattoos around nips aren’t the only reason I hate Geoffrey. He has a history of domestic violence that TLC has somehow overlooked. Surprise, surprise. I’ve been calling for TLC to stop giving a platform to criminals for ages now, but I suspect doing so would severely restrict their candidate pool.

Then Geoffrey tells Varya he went to jail for drugs. She’s pissed because her cousin died of a drug overdose and she would have squashed the whole relationship if he’d been honest earlier... I’m just saying, you can’t trust a man with any kind of nipple adornment.

Rose and Ed
I’ll be honest, Rose’s living situation is the darkest we’ve ever seen on this show by far. Even Karine’s isn’t this bad. Rose sleeps on a glorified sleeping bag on a concrete floor with a leaky roof, dirty walls, no windows. This poses a huge concern because Big Baby Ed needs 1000 thread count sheets due to his atopic dermatitis. Ok princess. He shipped some over but they didn’t arrive in time so he’s just plain screwed. Just like his skin, this man is so soft.

Sidenote, I heard Rose is engaged to a woman now. Which, like, good. Live your truth.

They wake up the next morning and Big Baby Ed is whiny right away. He needs a bottle and a diaper change, asap. He says it was the only night of his entire life he’s spent without air-conditioning. Wow, what a privileged piece of shit. He should try harder to keep his utter disgust under wraps.

Then, Big Baby Ed takes a shower in his clothes with Father Rose. Ed, too, has shitty tribal tattoos. And unsurprisingly, he hates the cold water. There are chickens and rabbits in the bathroom as well as a giant rat snoozing on a show. This is the content we need right now! Truly, it’s been a dark, quarantined month and seeing Ed freak out is one bright spot in this awful time.

Then, they visit Father Rose’s pig farm. Ed awkwardly tries to feed the pigs but fails at that, too, and somehow falls down in the pig shit with plastic bags on his feet. Meanwhile, Rose is wearing flip-flops the whole time and doesn’t complain one bit. Big Baby Ed loves to feed the pigs though. It’s almost like he’s, dare I say it, a pig in shit.

I’ll be honest, and this may sound insensitive, but it’s a miracle we didn’t eat bats and get a pandemic sooner.

Erika and Stephanie
Things are tense down under. (Insert joke about going down.) I thought these women had chemistry, given the erotic nature of their first kiss in the bathroom, but I guess not.

I don’t understand whether they’re staying in Erika’s apartment or in a hotel? It’s creepily clean.

Okay, producers are setting Steph up to be the controlling partner. She asks Erika not to be on a dating app, not to tell her friends about their problems, and not to talk to the ex she’s hooked up with. These are, actually, pretty reasonable demands. Like, when you fight with your partner, you shouldn’t go blabbing about it to all of your friends because then they’ll judge your partner and you’ll be screwed once you patch things up. Take it from me.

I like that Erika stands up for herself. Being brave is hard.

David and Lana, Ukraine
Oy. This catfish situation is awkward and infuriating to watch. Lana stands him up in Odessa so he drives twelve hours to her hometown to hunt her down like a psychopath. He has no idea where she lives and has no way to contact her, aside from the creepy Russian messaging system he’s already poured $100K into. Throughout his journey, he keeps saying that it would be easier to be done with her. Then he gets a flat tire. Take a hint, brother!

I would like to discuss David’s wardrobe. Overall, he looks generally rumpled. We haven’t heard about a significant weight loss or anything (like David Toborowsky of David and Annie from Thailand), so why are his polo shirts two sizes two big? Why are his pants too long? Please, internet, let’s figure out the mystery of this man’s wardrobe.

He arrives in her town and goes to local businesses to try and hunt her down like a total freak. When the cashier in a candy shop doesn’t recognize a picture of Lana, he’s perplexed. Finally, she messages him on Russian Scam Chat and says, and I quote, “Do you still want a meeting for a photo and start a relationship and visa.” OMG. This is ACTUALLY insane. He doesn’t bring up the fact that she ditched him in Odessa and three times before that. Instead, he keeps operating under this expensive delusion that Lana is a real person who wants to be in a relationship with him. TLC, this is actual stalking. Could you... not?

Ash and Avery, Australia
Listen, I know we see a lot of funny characters on this show, but this man is the craziest looking one. Those eyes! They make Ramona Singer’s look calm. Ash and Avery go on an Australian crocodile cruise and it’s literally fine. They’re boring to watch, which means their relationship is actually probably healthy. Unfortunately, emotionally stable people don’t make good reality television characters.

Darzy and Tom
Why god? Why?! At this point, we’re just beating a dead, collagen-filled horse. Their whole storyline is frauded, but I hope Darzy gets paid. She’s got a family to feed. Tom FaceTimes his sister from the Williamsburg waterfront and it makes me miss Brooklyn and my people there. I hope everyone in New York is staying healthy during this awful time. Do you think Cuomo has pierced nips? Or tribal tattoos around them? Sound off in the comments!

There you have it folks. Things are horrible right now, but I am truly grateful to watch Big Baby Ed take a hose shower with chickens on national TV. If you’re looking for other mindless crap to take your mind off the current pandemic, I suggest watching Vanderpump Rules from the very beginning on Hulu, Drag Race, of course (and I’m very excited for Dragnificent, btw) and TikTok, like I’ve been telling you for month now. I swear to god, TikTok will give you half a day of delightful content if you just let it.

Here are some videos to start with. Why TikTok beats IG. A frozen bubble. Leslie Jordan is delightful. Grandparents pretend to be on a cruise. Two bottles of hairspray. What it’s like to be a little sister.

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Showering With Chickens: Before The 90 Days Recap