Welcome to season 4, episode 14 of Before the 90 Days. Can you believe we’ve been enduring this spectacle since almost before COVID? God, what a different world. We were so unmasked and innocent then.

Overall, I wonder whether Sharp Entertainment, the geniuses who produce this trash, feel like they’ve failed us this season, since none of the couples are truly in love? They cry themselves to sleep at night, surely.

Geoffrey & Varya

So Varya has pulled a David and showed up to Geoffrey’s hillbilly house unexpectedly. Except, her arrival doesn’t feel as predatory somehow.

I hate to be a skeptic (haha jk), but it’s hard to believe that Geoffrey had no idea she was coming. Logistically, it just seems very difficult. Especially because a.) Mary just happened to be at his house, b.) Varya had his address, and c.) it seemed like everyone was miced up. I smell fraud.

Varya immediately directs her anger at Mary and I have no time for woman on woman crime. I liked Varya until now. I thought she was an independent career woman and now I’m heartbroken to see that she has internalized misogyny just like every other Karen in America.

Also, is Mary okay in the head? If she’s aware of Geoffrey’s entire criminal background, she should not be fawning over this guy. He’s a bad dude.

This whole situation is the result of his bruised little ego. Since Varya rejected him, he controls the emotions in this relationship. He refuses to communicate with her purely due to control. Geoffrey: you don’t have to be mad at her. Process your hurt feelings and let yourself love her again, you idiot. And he definitely loves her more than Mary, btw.

The last part of his segment, with the friends at the foosball table, is just so awkward and makes me dread having any social interaction ever again. Keep me in quarantine!

Von’s has the best tortilla chips, hands down.

We won’t see him in the reunion because Geoffrey is the Sherry Pie of 90 Day Fiancé, and that’s just fine.

David & Lana

What’s more gross: the leather jacket or the selfie stick?

Now we’re in Kiev with Lana, whom David has hunted down from halfway around the world.

It’s so clear that Lana hates being on camera and feels very uncomfortable with this whole situation. Her confessionals feel like she’s being questioned at gunpoint.

David pulls the first gift out of his Victoria’s Secret bag and says, “Chocolate,” before she has time to open it. Way to spoil the surprise, dad! This guy must be awful on Christmas.

Then the producer asks how much money he has given her and she fearfully asks to skip the question. BLINK TWICE IF YOU’RE IN TROUBLE, GIRL!

The producer asks Lana why she gave a fake address to David and she says it’s dangerous to give your real address to strangers online. She also says it’s, “genuinely insane,” that he tracked her down. Girl, you’re right! It is. You ghosted this guy for seven years and that was ACCURATE. You want Casper on his ass for a REASON… You can’t trust a leather jacket like that.

Okay, this fucking guy is SO GREEDY! She wants to go home after hearing about the P.I. and he says that they’ve only been together for two hours and that’s not enough time. His pattern of communication with her ALWAYS follows this: he doesn’t get exactly what he wants so he pressures her until she’s forced to give in.

Just take the bowling scene. He MAKES her kiss him when he gets a strike and she’s CLEARLY uncomfortable and says it’s too early for a kiss on the lips. Again, it’s like she’s having to romantically interact with her creepy dad who is also an emotional predator.

I like the fact that she wears a Nike sweatsuit to this whole day. She looks great in it, but she’s basically saying that she does NOT want to be sexualized at all. That’s not the outfit you wear on a date with a guy you like. It’s what you wear around your husband you’ve been with for ten years.

Steph

Erika’s on her way back to the US. We see a shot of her packing and those Away suitcases are definitely overhyped, right? Not that I’ll be traveling any time soon. Just wondering.

The producer asks her what she’s going to tell her mom. Breaking the fourth wall is great. I like to acknowledge that we’re on a tv show, instead of pretending this is normal life. I love that journey for us.

At the airport, Steph asks for a face mask in a move that probably seemed crazy when they were filming it. Personally, I can’t imagine riding a plane without a face mask ever again. Airplanes are like spaceships for germs. Yuck.

Her mom greets her at the airport with her dog and a “friend.” UM, WHAT? What if the gag of this whole storyline is that her mom’s actually into chicks, too?

Next week, she’s allegedly going to come out, but for now we just have to endure an awkward car ride back to Westchester.

Lisa & Usman

We have a logistical issue. Apparently, Usman and Lisa are supposed to get married tomorrow but he still hasn’t proposed to her. Um, what? blinkingwhiteguy.gif

Lisa sucks, but if I were in hell and had to choose between hearing Angela or Lisa talk about their political beliefs, I’d obviously pick Lisa.

Lisa thinks that if they don’t get engaged, people will think she’s either knocked up or he’s looking for a green card. Um, girl, ain’t no one gonna think you’re pregnant. We’re past that.

Then, Usman proposes to her in a dirty hotel room with what looks like a man’s wedding band. Karen seems happy, so good for her. She shows her hand to the camera and she’s wearing a diamond ring as well, which she probably bought for herself. That’s awful of me to say, but she probably isn’t wearing a mask right now and I don’t know what do with my feelings of rage against people who’ve politicized a public health issue.

Usman’s family arrives for the wedding. Who is paying for all of this? Babygirl Lisa?

We meet brother Farouq and he’s as incredulous about his relationship as we all are. Side note: i thought Fatima was a small adult for awhile. Maybe because she’s wearing all black.

BGL she goes into the bathroom and washes her feet in the toilet with Mommy. There''s a shower right next to them, so, um, gross.

Do you think Lisa ever pauses to wonder how she ended up where she is? She really got herself into a pickle with all this “Muslim African husband” stuff.

Avery & Ash

Audi? More like, “How’d he afford that car?”

The thing that’s shocking to me, even more than Ash’s skinny jeans and early aughts hairstyle, is the fact that he drives an Audi. Given the skeptical audience reception at his seminar a couple of weeks ago, I kind of doubt that “relationship coach” is his actual profession.

Avery and Ash are going to wait to apply for the K1 Visa until Taj gets older and this segment is just setting them up to be on another season of Before The 90 Days or whatever. Which, producers, you really don’t have to do. I’m good on these guys.

I googled this for you and Mauritius is an African island that has been sort of colonized by Australia, which is why Ash has to apply for his Australian passport. I mean, good luck. I applied for my Canadian citizenship a straight up year ago and COVID is like hahahahaah NOPE. Lord knows, with our leadership, I need that shit ASAP.

Ash’s eyes are so unpredictable. They’re like Donald Trump’s twitter feed. Completely unhinged and also frightening.

I wonder if these people are actually in love.

Big Ed

Ed’s back in San Diego, the land of air-conditioning and dude bros wearing flip-flops.

This man is utter trash. He arrives at the airport and runs straight into his mother’s open arms. She ‘s somehow smaller than him. Well, actually, he runs first into his dog’s paws while his mom waits patiently. What a saint.

Thank God for mothers, am I right? Otherwise people like Ed would have literally no one to love them.
Mom asks how Rose is, Ed tells her his tale of heartbreak, and mom starts crying. This woman is too good for him. Fucking appreciate your mothers, people!

Darcey

Listen, I love that she’s making a living for her family by being on this show, but I’m suffering from Darzy fatigue. I’m sick of seeing her in forced narratives. Just give her a spinoff already. Darcey Dates.

Lol nothing more American than talking about getting a Jaguar or a Maserati while driving a Chevy. Throughout this segment, I thought Darcy was the one driving but apparently it was Stacy. I can’t tell the Silva twins apart! Which kimono sister is which?

They take flowers to their brother’s grave. It’s very somber but these girls are able to shoehorn their storyline back in by saying, “He loved love. Just like us.” Give them an Emmy - they know how to produce themselves!

The new season of 90 Day: The Other Way comes back soon and I’m so excited to see Jenny and Summit again. My loves! Their love is the purest we’ve ever seen on this show.

What the hell is Find Love Live? It seems super creepy to me.

If you’re looking for more television that massages the part of your brain that produces stress hormones, I suggest Selling Sunset! It’s utter trash, made by the producer of The Hills. Davina has a $75 million listing in Beverly Hills and Christine is engaged to her rich client! The producer, Adam DiVello, is the master at making shows with minimal storylines that are somehow incredibly compelling. Have fun.

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These Relationships Are Failures: Before The 90 Days Recap