Hello, my fearless Fiancés. It’s been a minute, but I felt compelled to weigh in on this snooze of a current season.

Yes, I’ve been watching religiously, though not reporting on it because, frankly, my life is busy with making a weekly podcast, emotional growth, and binging trash on Netflix. (Anyone watching You?)

Overall, I think this season of 90 Day Fiancé is boring. Nearly each and every couple seems on the verge of imminent collapse.

Anna and Marcel
Marcel is a beekeeping clown. Imagine a circus of bees? He’d be the star. I feel bad for Anna because I think that he understands way more English than he lets on. I’d think his comprehension is comparable to Karine’s in Brazil. They’re the only other couple who uses a translator app for every conversation, but Karine seems to understand way more than Mursel (murse-l?). I think he’s faking it.

Mursel claims he can’t be with Anna because it’s against Turkish culture to marry a woman who already has children. Listen, I once had non-consenual sex with a Turkish guy, so I can assure you that their culture ain’t that strict. Another thing he’s faking.

Is he Muslim? Why doesn’t he use his religion as a crutch instead of his nationality? Like, Turkey is fairly Westernized, or at least that what that scumbag who slept with me would have us believe.

Speaking of which, has anyone seen Jojo Rabbit? I’m curious to hear your thoughts. I liked it, but I feel a little uneasy that no Jews (except Taika—is he Jewish?) were involved in the production.

Anna’s mom, Charlene, is great. She could use a light razor to her chin and perhaps a dermatologist for the skin tags around her eyes, but otherwise she’s flawless.

Murse is going back to Turkey. Good riddance! All they have in common is those bees so I say buzz off, baby!

We see a sweet side to her boys and that this is affecting them more than they let on. Poor little dudes. Literally, Murse, stick up to your parents. You’re like 40, which is practically 50, which is almost senior citizen status. (Sorry for age-shaming.)

During their fight, he kneels on Anna’s floor and we get a glimpse of Anna’s stained and gross carpet. Carpet is over. Not in 2020.

While he’s trapped in a hotel room with only his thoughts and a random TLC producer, we finally get the slightest glimpse that perhaps he does love her. I wonder if they’ll turn it around.

Angela and Michael
There’s a lot you can say about Angela, but this woman is a reality TV star! She’s serving us plot, sound bites, and really bad lewks. I dislike her and she’s been on so many seasons that I’m almost at peak Angela, but, honestly, I’m here for it.

I cannot believe that she supports six grandkids who live in her little Honey Boo Boo house. Do we think that’s real or frauded?

I’m surprised to see that she drives a Lexus. Not surprised that her steering wheel has a fuzzy pink cover. Moments later, we get a wide shot of the Lexus and I realize it’s from the 90s. Makes more sense. My friend Lauren in high school had the same one and that was twenty years ago.

Angela barges into her lawyer’s office with reckless abandon. Like most people in her life, I think Lew Tippett is also afraid of Angela because she’s unpredictable and towers over him.

She says that she’s going to turn 54 this year and I truly can’t believe that’s it. She’s a hard 54. We saw her get Botox in her forehead a few episodes ago, which conjured a phrase from my childhood in Pennsylvania: polishing a turd.

She does NOT want to get married in Nigeria, which connotes a lot of undesirable political undertones. Ones that you would expect from someone who insists on getting married in their, “own kunnntreee.”

For some reason that’s probably horrible for her wallet yet wonderful for her reality tv superstardom, Angela decides to go back to Nigeria. And we’ll see that shitshow in the next episode.

She made her cut onions and peel shrimp. The shade!

Jasmin and Blake
People are shitting on Jasmin online, but I like her. I think, and hear me out, she’s shy. She’s reserved, not gregarious, and not overly expressive emotionally. Reality tv viewers tend to label cast members like that bitchy and standoffish. People really hate it when women aren’t warm. She doesn’t have to be! If she were a man and acted that way, no one would question it

Also, Jamin moved to the US from Finland, which is an utter downgrade. The UN literally ranks it the happiest nation on Earth. I suppose free healthcare and university education will do that a country. She is making a HUGE sacrifice by leaving the land of happiness to come to America, where health insurance costs $600 a month if you make a reasonable income... Where afforadble healthcare is your incentive to stay poor. Make a resaonable income and it will be over $600/month. TKTKTK

Anyway, Blake seems to have an actual job, so why doesn’t he have an apartment? He really should have gotten things set up for her before she arrived.

I love that Jasmin blatantly has no ambition whatsoever (also more common in non-American countries. People are cool with just doing HVAC or home health care or whatever. Not everyone needs to be a star.) And I love that she equates bland food to eating healthy. Like, girl, you can throw some parsley on your chicken and it won’t make you fat.

Um, the cooking scene with Jasmin and Blake’s mother is the most awkward thing I have ever seen. His mom makes her peel the shrimp, which is yucky, and then cut the onions. If that ain’t shade, then I don’t know what is! But Jasmin steadfastly offers the mom grey rock, that is, absolutely nothing.

He ain’t asking for much. He sleeps in a shed.

Synjin and Tania
Okay, you know me: I’m all for female empowerment, women leading their own lives, and having careers, but TANIA SHOULD HAVE PLANNED BETTER!!!!!! Synjin is her GUEST in this country and she is not being very hospitable to him. At all. She makes him live in a shed, for fuck’s sake!

I honestly think she’s being selfish and rude. Messaging your partner to let him know that you got home safely at night is like the smallest requirement for being in a relationship and if she can’t handle that, then she’ll probably be alone forever.

Tania tells Synjin that he’s asking for more commitment than she can give. Um, not really. Welcome to being in a relationship. He moved halfway around the world for you so the very least you can do is check in once a day.

Then she tells him she can’t give him everything he needs. To be honest, he’s living in a shed without any friends or family in the same time zone, so it doesn’t seem like he needs a ton. Girl, it’s time to man up and start thinking about someone else for once.

Later, we get some cheeky little shade from production. When Synjin calls Tania in Costa Rica, we see that she is saved in his phone as Suger. And that misspelling is... Just... Egregious.

Anny and Robert
If I had to describe Robert in one word, it would be “sleepy.” This man is like a Droopy cartoon. He can barely keep his eyes open!

The second word would be “homophobic.” His utter repulsion at Anny’s experience with women is not good. He doesn’t want Bryson to be around two women who are together, yet his disgust for same-sex relationships is way more repulsive. It’s a bummer because Robert’s from New York so I thought I was going to like him. Also, what’s the deal with Bryson’s mother? The grandmother is a porn star, so that side of the family is clearly in his life... There’s more to this story and I need it.

Robert and Anny have shown literally no chemistry at all during this whole season. Normally, I would think that this one won’t last, but it might be the one that somehow surprises us all.

I love Robert’s sister and the frankness she brings to the conversation. My favorite lines include:

“Do you know he’s, like, poor?”

“You gotta sex your girl, bro.”

Then Robert shocks literally no one by saying he’s too tired to have sex as often as Anny wants. She wants it three times a day, but he’s too busy driving his Uber so, in his words, “I’m good for sex Friday thru Sunday.”

The thing is, these people act like they’ve already been together for ten years. That why I think they might last.

Anny goes dress shopping with Robert’s sister, Robin, and I think this marriage is a bad idea. (Even though it will probably last. They will be like the ants of relationships. Hard to kill.) I do think Anny is using him... for something. I’m not sure what.

Robin has such good energy and I love their friendship. Maybe Anny should get with Robin? Anny looks great in the dresses she tries on and serves us $400 eleganza realness.

Side note, I made like ten people come wedding dress shopping with me on a weekday and I can’t believe I did that. Okay, it was six, but still. Who was I? Weddings do crazy shit to people.

Mike and Natalie
This is one of the few couples who I think are actually in love, though Natalie is always looking for reasons to push Mike away. She picks fights about everything! So self-sabotaging.

Mike asks her if she’s ever applied for another K1 visa or been to America and it’s weird that they haven’t discussed this before. Also, the way he brings it up feels very frauded, as though a producer put a bug in his ear. Natalie says no, but she acts cagey and walks out. Then, there’s a weird shot of Mike in the restaurant by himself for a few seconds with odd audio in the background. It’s very strange

Also, Natalie has Ramona-like bug eyes. Very creepy.

Sasha and Emily
I HATE Sasha so much. He’s a misogynistic piece of shit.

Their baby is such a cute lil chub.

Sasha throws away all of Betsy’s food, which is awful. But, I read on IG that this scene was frauded and those snacks belonged to production. Stop 👏controlling👏 her 👏 food 👏and 👏 body.

Sasha shames Emily for her weight gain, even though she literally grew another human inside her stomach for nine months and then pushed it out in a RUSSIAN HOSPITAL where no one spoke her language and everyone thought she was crazy so maybe cut her some fucking slack, ok?

She should not marry this asshole. I hate to say it, but her new hair color is way too light for her skin tone and looks weird. Who am I to talk, though? The hair colors I’ve given myself!!!

The rich guy in Connecticut and the 22 year-old might be only people on this season who are actually in love.

My carpal tunnel is acting up so I’m going to go finish watching You and pet my cat. That’s not a euphemism. I love my cats.

See ya later and happy 2020!

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90 Day Fiancé Is Boring, Except For Angela, Who Is A Star