Please Hire A Wedding Planner!

Hey 90 Day Fiancé freaks! It’s the last episode of this season before the Tell All, which means duh duh duh, it’s finally time for the weddings! Bring on the romance. 

Anna & Mursel
Mursel races back to Nebraska from Turkey with mere hours to spare on his visa. I don’t get it. Mursel literally has the sex appeal of sliced ham, which is actually sexier because it’s related to bacon. 

I’ve seen some fraud accounts say that he never actually went back to Turkey but I have a hard time believing that. I just don’t think production is savvy enough to orchestrate such a detailed narrative.  

I’m blown away by the fact that he STILL speaks as much English as my slow cat. That is, absolutely zero. I did learn from the subtitles, though, that the word “very” in Turkish sounds like choke, which is appropriate. Choke choke.

They pick up Mursel at the shitty little Nebraska airport (no shade) and head back to her house for the wedding. Back at home, Anna freaks out while simple-minded Mursel is fascinated by the handheld steamer. Honestly, it’s a great invention.

But, like, they could have gotten all this stuff set up before they went to the airport. The rickety chuppah at least. Ugh, I wish this wedding had a coordinator!

One of Anna’s friends has her lip pierced and it makes me realize just how ridiculous I looked in the early 2000s. Rave culture was rough.

When Mursel sees Anna in her dress the first time, it made me feel like maybe there’s actually a kernel, or a honeycomb, of love between the two of them.

Production did a good job of lighting the back yard. 

Mursel stomps down the aisle like a flat-footed ogre, while Anna floats down it dreamily accompanied by her little sons. And, thank God, this officiant has a binder like a professional.

Anna says, “I do” with an obvious question mark in her voice. Yeah, girl, we’re all unsure about your decision.

Little Leo makes a little speech and it’s adorable. This is a sweet wedding, actually.  I’ll tell you what: the highlight of any wedding is when a kid makes a speech.

My only peccadillo is that they didn’t get to have the full glorious bee-themed celebration of their dreams. Where are the hives?! You have beekeepers on the show — why can’t we see an apiary every now and then? Is that too much to ask?

Tania & Sinjin
I can’t with these people. Do you think I can? Because I can’t. 

Full disclosure: I was prepared to dislike Sinjin from the start because the South African guy who was on last season was such a jerk, but I actually think he’s lovely and Tania takes him for granted. She gets on my nerves, but it’s only because she reminds me of myself in my 20s. Studying some new-age shit that will never lead me to a real career, ignoring dudes who show the slightest interest in me, sleeping in sheds… JK I’ve never had a shed. 

The sound in this scene is actually awful. Like, the crew miced them with a boom and an iPhone. Jeez, can we hire a sound mixer, TLC? 

Woah, Sinjin’s family hasn’t had a divorce in 500 years. Way too much pressure!

Everything about their wedding is last-minute and it’s making me very anxious. I produced the fuck out of my wedding. Every detail was on point. Just ask anyone. Well, except for the linens and the bar because the caterer was a mess. She did dishes in a bucket outside the barn! A bucket! The point is, Tania should have put more effort into her wedding. This is Shedgate 2.0. 

Watching her set up is excruciating. BITCH, 👏 YOU 👏SHOULD 👏HAVE👏 DONE👏 THIS👏 LAST👏 NIGHT👏.

Of course, Tania wears a black dress because she’s ~edgy~. That said, she looks lovely and the cut is adorable. Her makeup looks great, too, and Sinjin’s vows are so heartwarming. She’s very lucky!

And of course, instead of rings, they get tattoos during their ceremony. In the end, it’s a beautiful ceremony and it warmed my cold, cold heart.

Ok, I guess I can. 

Jasmine & Blake

Listen, I don’t know if Blake is worth all the fuss. I’ve watched, what?, ten episodes of this season and I have no idea whether this man has any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Wait, okay, he just made her bouquet and it’s the sweetest thing I’ve seen from him all season. I love that. Even minimal effort from a man is endearing.

Jasmine and Blake arrive at the park for the ceremony and I don’t like any of his friends at all. They’re all white rappers. And that’s the punchline.

Jasmine’s sister is back to blonde. This girl changes her hair color more often than I even wash mine.

Frankly, I love that Jasmine is completely honest about her decision not to work, ever. It’s bold. Most people, myself included, keep that hidden. Like, no one wants to work really. (I mean, except for my unemployed ass. I’m dying for income, tbh. Hire me!) 

Like the couple themselves, their ceremony is whatever. I think it’s weird and disrespectful for an officiant to read everything from an iPad. I mean, they’re already having the wedding in the park. At least bring a binder and give them something tangible. On the plus side, I do think they’re actually in love. 

Robert & Anny
If I’ve learned anything from this show, it’s that every couple has a unique way of being in love. I might not understand it, but it works for them. Robert and Anny are one of those couples. I have no idea why their relationship works but, ya know what? I don’t have to. Only they do.

Bryson is adorable. Kids are cute as hell. I love the red.

On the way to the wedding, Robert asks his cousin if they should turn around. Robert has the coldest feet we’ve seen on any man in this show!

Anny looks sweet and beautiful. Robert looks like he just ate a pile of rotten brisket. When the officiant asks if anyone objects, Robert says he can’t do this right now, which is awful and just seriously shady. He should have just left her at the altar! I feel like that would have been less embarrassing but idk really.  

Then we go to commercial break and come back and see that it’s all been staged. Robert gets down on one knee and proposes with a big fat rock. He tricked us!!! After giving her the ring, he says, “I love you till the day I leave this Earf.” And, ya know what? I believe him! 

Mike & Natalie
Mike;s back in Washington or wherever and Facetimes Natalie in Ukraine. He asks how her mom is, which is a valid question because Ukranian Mom is one of the sweetest characters we’ve ever seen and I, too, am dying to know.

Natalie is so difficult to engage with. But, on FaceTime, she says that some things happened that they didn’t show on camera. TLC presents the narrative that they want us to see. Mike has a secret that he isn’t telling us. Mike did a bad thing. (Cue Tik Tok music… “I just did a bad thing….”)

Angela & Michael
I guess, when I’m looking at Angela, I’m always trying to see the Botox. The laser marks on her chest are so intense that she must have had some Groupon shit done because that is NOT NORMAL. No treatment should ever leave you with centimeter-wide claw marks all over your decollete. That shit looks like it was done by some janky doctor running her office out of a swampy backyard shed. (Tania?)

Angela goes back to the US without marrying Michael so she can milk another season and paycheck out of TLC. At the airport, Michael presents them with matching nameplate necklaces. Well, they match in theory but the fonts are different, so you know my curmudgeonly OCD ass is pissed.

Mike &  Juliana
They’re cute. I genuinely love the way that Sarah and Juliana interact and their healthy, mature relationship. The only thing that’s not great is the prenup situation. It spoils the roost. Spoils the pot. What’s the term? Sours the milk. Let’s go with that. Speaking of which: I bough cottage cheese yesterday for the first time in years and that stuff is super weird. Tiny cheese poops!

New Season of Before the 90 Days
I’m excited because there’s FINALLY a gay couple on the show, which might be the first one in TLC’s history. (Correct me if I’m wrong!)

Darzy is REALLY squeezing the TLC teat (TLteat?) dry. Holy crap. Another season? No girl. After your fifth time on the show, we all realized this shit was fake as fuck.

I’m excited for the new season and for next week’s Tell All so we can find out what Mike’s hiding! 

Now it’s time for me to watch Sister Wives and get creeped out by Cody Brown’s puzzling hairline. Love you!